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Please read and review my first chapter?
AN: Hi! Thanks for reading and please review!! If you can help me find a better name for this story I would be so thankful! This might MIGHT become a romance story, if I get enough critique and help it can turn into more. I have a lot more of this story on my computer but I'm putting each point of view in a different topic. I gave the half-completed story to my Englishteacher as a project and she gave me an A+ and told me I'm going to end up winning a Pultzier(sp?). That's just her opinion though...thanks for reading!
Amanda Delman Point of View
"YOU! Get me a black coffee, three sugars! YOU! Get the winter evening dresses sketch and put it on my desk! YOU! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor!", I point at three random people, who drop whatever they were doing and ran to do what I told them to.
I speed-walked to my office, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I sat in my office chair and looked at my schedule on my Blackberry.
"MARY!!!", I shout into the PDA system.
My secratary/personal assistant ran into the room 5 minutes later, hands filled with files and a steaming cup of coffee.
"Yes, Ms. Delman?", she says, placing the cup on my desk.
"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.
"What?", Mary replies.
" You know, the blue patterned ones that I worked on for 3 months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.
"Umm..I don't know what your talking about.", Mary says, pushing the cup of coffee towards me. She put a dash of whipped cream on top, clearly trying to kiss-up. In my moment of rage, I decide to torment her a little.
"Your not always this stupid...I see you must be making a special effort today! Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refused to wear mine even then. My God! What is with that belt. We're not cow-girls on a ranch in Arizona, ok. Seven jeans are fine, but take off that over sized handkerchief covering your neck. You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway has more style than you.", I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging open, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.
"Oh! I remember now, Ms. Ross called this morning from the factory in UK. She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that only she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.", she finishes and takes a big breath.
"Well, call her back and tell her to HURRY UP! Also get someone to get the truck off the block since obviously, my dresses won't be coming for another WEEK!!", I yell.
Just then, a teenager of maybe 16 or 17 came in and dropped a folder on my desk.
"The winter evening dresses Ms. Delman.", she says quietly before leaving the room.
"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating figure.
The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.
"Yes?", she says, timidly.
"What. Are. You. Wearing?", I ask, venom dripping off every word.
“Um, well I thought since this shirt is blue, it would match nicely with-”, The intern starts before I interrupt.
"Mary, get these rags off her and dress her in something from the closet. Take something from the closet as well, huh, you need it.", I say to the brunette who had been trying to sneak out of the room.
"Well, what do you want me to dress her in? Cashmere or cotton?", she say using our secret code words for expensive or cheap.
"Cotton of course. What do you expect she’s an intern. Oh and schedule an appointment for me with Lucy.", I say looking at my bare nails in disdain, hoping Lucy (my stylist) will be able to fix them.
Mary and the teen go, leaving me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat in the office so, I grab a green trench and walk over to my mirror, going over my outfit. I stare at the reflection. A lividly angry face stared back at me. She had smokey-grey eyes just like me, plain brown hair just like me...she looked just like me yet I didn't recognize the angry face.
Ignoring the scary face, I looked at what I was wearing. Black Tracy Reese legging's matched with a Prada dark green mini dress. It went well with the satin trench coat I had just grabbed and black Jimmy Choo ballet slippers. It also brought out my eyes, which was good, considering its my only feature. I went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking decent, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote bag, a gift from Vera Wang. I put a couple of folders in my bag then strode out into the main lobby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to santas kidnapper- this is supposed to be a teen book and will end up like a version of a christmas carol. She doesnt speak like a 17 year old to me, she speaks like the owner of a high-class fashion industry. She is also only around 24-26. It states later on how she becomes the owner so young.
Amanda Delman Point of View
"YOU! Get me a black coffee, three sugars! YOU! Get the winter evening dresses sketch and put it on my desk! YOU! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor!", I point at three random people, who drop whatever they were doing and ran to do what I told them to.
I speed-walked to my office, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I sat in my office chair and looked at my schedule on my Blackberry.
"MARY!!!", I shout into the PDA system.
My secratary/personal assistant ran into the room 5 minutes later, hands filled with files and a steaming cup of coffee.
"Yes, Ms. Delman?", she says, placing the cup on my desk.
"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.
"What?", Mary replies.
" You know, the blue patterned ones that I worked on for 3 months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.
"Umm..I don't know what your talking about.", Mary says, pushing the cup of coffee towards me. She put a dash of whipped cream on top, clearly trying to kiss-up. In my moment of rage, I decide to torment her a little.
"Your not always this stupid...I see you must be making a special effort today! Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refused to wear mine even then. My God! What is with that belt. We're not cow-girls on a ranch in Arizona, ok. Seven jeans are fine, but take off that over sized handkerchief covering your neck. You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway has more style than you.", I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging open, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.
"Oh! I remember now, Ms. Ross called this morning from the factory in UK. She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that only she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.", she finishes and takes a big breath.
"Well, call her back and tell her to HURRY UP! Also get someone to get the truck off the block since obviously, my dresses won't be coming for another WEEK!!", I yell.
Just then, a teenager of maybe 16 or 17 came in and dropped a folder on my desk.
"The winter evening dresses Ms. Delman.", she says quietly before leaving the room.
"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating figure.
The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.
"Yes?", she says, timidly.
"What. Are. You. Wearing?", I ask, venom dripping off every word.
“Um, well I thought since this shirt is blue, it would match nicely with-”, The intern starts before I interrupt.
"Mary, get these rags off her and dress her in something from the closet. Take something from the closet as well, huh, you need it.", I say to the brunette who had been trying to sneak out of the room.
"Well, what do you want me to dress her in? Cashmere or cotton?", she say using our secret code words for expensive or cheap.
"Cotton of course. What do you expect she’s an intern. Oh and schedule an appointment for me with Lucy.", I say looking at my bare nails in disdain, hoping Lucy (my stylist) will be able to fix them.
Mary and the teen go, leaving me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat in the office so, I grab a green trench and walk over to my mirror, going over my outfit. I stare at the reflection. A lividly angry face stared back at me. She had smokey-grey eyes just like me, plain brown hair just like me...she looked just like me yet I didn't recognize the angry face.
Ignoring the scary face, I looked at what I was wearing. Black Tracy Reese legging's matched with a Prada dark green mini dress. It went well with the satin trench coat I had just grabbed and black Jimmy Choo ballet slippers. It also brought out my eyes, which was good, considering its my only feature. I went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking decent, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote bag, a gift from Vera Wang. I put a couple of folders in my bag then strode out into the main lobby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to santas kidnapper- this is supposed to be a teen book and will end up like a version of a christmas carol. She doesnt speak like a 17 year old to me, she speaks like the owner of a high-class fashion industry. She is also only around 24-26. It states later on how she becomes the owner so young.
3 Answers
i think its really good, although you are constantly switching between present and past tense. there are several punctuation/spelling mistakes. your should be you're or you are. 'I don't know what YOU'RE talking about'
asks, not say. 'Cashmere or Cotton?" she ASKS using our secret code for expensive or cheap. etc etc
reading past the frequent mistakes though, this is a good piece of writing. please read and critique mine
http://answers.…
Dee xx
asks, not say. 'Cashmere or Cotton?" she ASKS using our secret code for expensive or cheap. etc etc
reading past the frequent mistakes though, this is a good piece of writing. please read and critique mine
http://answers.…
Dee xx
You switch between present and past tense. The narrator seems like a high schooler because of the way she speaks, and that's not a good thing if she's over twenty and running a business. Honestly, I couldn't read much of it.
EDIT: It doesn't matter that it's a teen book, because she should still talk like people her age do. Twenty year olds are more keen then high schooler's, and your narrator sounds like a high school student to me. Perhaps you think she sounds smarter, but to me she doesn't. Her dialogue is crap that I would hear other high school kids saying to their friends.
EDIT: It doesn't matter that it's a teen book, because she should still talk like people her age do. Twenty year olds are more keen then high schooler's, and your narrator sounds like a high school student to me. Perhaps you think she sounds smarter, but to me she doesn't. Her dialogue is crap that I would hear other high school kids saying to their friends.
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