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She went through my garbage..and now she wants to talk?
talking to my parents, is always a chore, and is ALWAYS awkward
- even if it's normal talk...
just saying hi. my mother always has "advice" and never actually talks to me. then usually continues on to show me an exercise so i can be less "fat". and then continues to talk about successful stories about some people my age, and how well they're doing at home and at school.
- they're constantly putting me down, and no matter what I do, they constantly disagree with what I do,
and they make really big deals out of the little things...well actually, everything (I'm not exaggerating)
- they never listen to me, (I tend to have to repeat things over and over...and over again)
and I THINK they've listened, but it all goes down the drain until they ask me AGAIN
- anytime we have a "talk" and i get frustrated or annoyed or angry, my normal reaction tends to be to raise my voice, then we go off topic: lower your voice, don't yell, respect us, and then a lecture concerning me not yelling or raising my voice
- disagreements: anytime there's a misunderstanding or a disagreement, it ALWAYS goes back and forth...and back...and forth...and back...and forth...until I have to tell my mom, well okay, you say one thing and I'll say another, and we're getting NOWHERE. how about we just stop it at this, CLEARLY there's been a misunderstanding and end this peacefully. (and even then, it doesn't always work and the back and forth continues, until i just leave the room)
- even if I have proof I am right, I am ALWAYS wrong.
today:
so I haven't cleaned up my room for a while, it's not even that messy, a clean pile of clothes here, a pile of old newspapers there, once worn sweaters/cardigans hanging on a doorknob, folded clothes piled on a chair, a stack of magazines on a side table.
and a garbage bag on the floor whose contents are cotton pads, qtips, makeup remover clothes. essentially "clean" garbage.
(i haven't really had much time to clean up, I'm taking summer school so I'm gone most of the day 5 days a week)
my mother went into my room, went through ALL of my stuff, and I mean literally, even my garbage.
a few minutes later. she says she wants to talk to me....
but she has some errands to run and wants to talk to me tonight...
I have NOTHING to say to her. I don't want to talk to her, but if I say I don't want to talk to her, more hell will be set loose....
I'm just frustrated and annoyed....
any ideas to get her to finally listen to me?
and that going through my garbage is completely uncalled for and creepy?
I'm 21, twenty freaking one. and i feel like she doesn't understand that I'm not 15 anymore...
that I can make my own decisions
that any mistakes I make, I should learn them on my own...
- even if it's normal talk...
just saying hi. my mother always has "advice" and never actually talks to me. then usually continues on to show me an exercise so i can be less "fat". and then continues to talk about successful stories about some people my age, and how well they're doing at home and at school.
- they're constantly putting me down, and no matter what I do, they constantly disagree with what I do,
and they make really big deals out of the little things...well actually, everything (I'm not exaggerating)
- they never listen to me, (I tend to have to repeat things over and over...and over again)
and I THINK they've listened, but it all goes down the drain until they ask me AGAIN
- anytime we have a "talk" and i get frustrated or annoyed or angry, my normal reaction tends to be to raise my voice, then we go off topic: lower your voice, don't yell, respect us, and then a lecture concerning me not yelling or raising my voice
- disagreements: anytime there's a misunderstanding or a disagreement, it ALWAYS goes back and forth...and back...and forth...and back...and forth...until I have to tell my mom, well okay, you say one thing and I'll say another, and we're getting NOWHERE. how about we just stop it at this, CLEARLY there's been a misunderstanding and end this peacefully. (and even then, it doesn't always work and the back and forth continues, until i just leave the room)
- even if I have proof I am right, I am ALWAYS wrong.
today:
so I haven't cleaned up my room for a while, it's not even that messy, a clean pile of clothes here, a pile of old newspapers there, once worn sweaters/cardigans hanging on a doorknob, folded clothes piled on a chair, a stack of magazines on a side table.
and a garbage bag on the floor whose contents are cotton pads, qtips, makeup remover clothes. essentially "clean" garbage.
(i haven't really had much time to clean up, I'm taking summer school so I'm gone most of the day 5 days a week)
my mother went into my room, went through ALL of my stuff, and I mean literally, even my garbage.
a few minutes later. she says she wants to talk to me....
but she has some errands to run and wants to talk to me tonight...
I have NOTHING to say to her. I don't want to talk to her, but if I say I don't want to talk to her, more hell will be set loose....
I'm just frustrated and annoyed....
any ideas to get her to finally listen to me?
and that going through my garbage is completely uncalled for and creepy?
I'm 21, twenty freaking one. and i feel like she doesn't understand that I'm not 15 anymore...
that I can make my own decisions
that any mistakes I make, I should learn them on my own...
8 Answers
i think your mother is just being any typical mother. i think when she criticizes you, she doesn't intentionally want you to get hurt, she's just trying to show you she cares, but she doesn't know how to show it without hurting your feelings or getting you angry. like the exercises, she probably wants you to stay healthy so you can live a long life. i agree that she shouldn't have gone through all your stuff, but even though your 21, your always going to be her daughter and she's always going to care. my advice though, is that if she's making you feel so uncomfortable, you should just move out. you emphasized how your 21 years old, which means your legally adult and can move out. then you wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. if you decide to stay at home, because you cant afford moving out on your own or for whatever other reason, then you shouldn't complain. your living in your mom's house so she can do whatever she wants. my suggestion though: MOVE OUT.
You should understand why they are behaving the way that they do. One reason is that your lack of communication with them combined with other aspects of your life is causing others to worry about the path that you are on. Maybe you should talk more about your ambition and your future goals with them, this will shift the focus from policing you to helping you achieve your goals.
You've answered your own question. You are 21. You are an adult but you live with your parents who treat you as a child. You behave like a child. Behave like an independent 21 year old and leave home and stop sponging off your parents. You may feel that financially, it's better for you to remain at home with them however awful it is. OK, stay - but behave as if you lived in proper rented accommodation and this woman who does your cleaning, your laundry, feeds you, probably tucks you in at night is your land lady. You treat your parents home like a hotel or hostel. Either of those places wouldn't put up with you. If you don't like the heat get out of the kitchen. While you live under their roof you will be treated like a 15 year old. It's not their fault. They've not seen you as anything other than dependent upon them. Give them a life of their own. Fly the nest. You will never rule there and it's time you were moving on.
Are we related? I have the same problem. Minus being 21. I'm only 17.
ANYway. Is there any way for you to get your own place? If not, then try getting lock boxes. Put the things you really want for only you and you alone in there (I actually have a friend who hides even her trashcan in a safe that only she knows the combination to). If (and from what you've said, when) she gets upset about that, tell her that you can't trust her not to go through your things. If she wants to talk, she doesn't need to go through your trash. She just needs to talk to you.
If that doesn't solve it, you really need to try to save money and get your own place.
ANYway. Is there any way for you to get your own place? If not, then try getting lock boxes. Put the things you really want for only you and you alone in there (I actually have a friend who hides even her trashcan in a safe that only she knows the combination to). If (and from what you've said, when) she gets upset about that, tell her that you can't trust her not to go through your things. If she wants to talk, she doesn't need to go through your trash. She just needs to talk to you.
If that doesn't solve it, you really need to try to save money and get your own place.
I found your post far from rambling and your care in spelling is telling...
You're still in the 'rents' home and so they've still got the rules...it's kind of scary for them because it's getting closer to the time when they lose you to adulthood.
Parents are people too and knowing the right thing to do is not guaranteed with age. Age doesn't guarantee knowledge. Sometimes they are at a loss at how to handle any given situation. Give them a break.
Parents think as soon as they finish the last breath of a request the deed should commence. We think our kids should do what we say right when we say it. Then we get frustrated when things don't go our way. The loss of control of our situation because an obstinate person refuses to cooperate is frustrating and things escalate.
Try writing instead of talking. the pauses help with the screaming.
You're still in the 'rents' home and so they've still got the rules...it's kind of scary for them because it's getting closer to the time when they lose you to adulthood.
Parents are people too and knowing the right thing to do is not guaranteed with age. Age doesn't guarantee knowledge. Sometimes they are at a loss at how to handle any given situation. Give them a break.
Parents think as soon as they finish the last breath of a request the deed should commence. We think our kids should do what we say right when we say it. Then we get frustrated when things don't go our way. The loss of control of our situation because an obstinate person refuses to cooperate is frustrating and things escalate.
Try writing instead of talking. the pauses help with the screaming.
You can't get her to listen. She is who she is. Just like she can't make you do things or be different than who you are right now.
Dealing with our parents is a huge part of life. Until we can picture them in our minds without feeling anger or resentful we are never truly free to be who we are.
My advice is to do some personal work for yourself.
1. Grieve. Go through the grief process that your mom is not the person you want her to be or the mom you needed. Let yourself mourn.
2. Forgive her. We try to control others when we are unhappy or scared. Everything she is doing she is doing because is not connected to her true, loving self. Can you even imagine what she might be like if we were fearless and loved herself and wasn't afraid to live who she is? So everything she does to you comes from her own pain. (And no, you can't get her to admit it.)
3. Assume she loves you and she really wants the best for you. If you can grieve and forgive her then you may be able to listen to her and no matter what she says at the end tell her genuinely "I love you. Thank you for your advice and for trying to help me. I appreciate that you care about my well being and I will do my best to make the most of my life."
Just like you say you are an adult now and can make your own decisions that also means you able to be the one who creates change in your life - including how you feel about your mother regardless of how she is. That is were the power for adult children is - in being able to say "OK, my turn, and since i want you to be compassionate and caring adult, I am going to start with me since I am an adult now, too."
Once that happens you'll find your life is really beginning and it will be as wonderful - more wonderful - than you have ever imagined.
Dealing with our parents is a huge part of life. Until we can picture them in our minds without feeling anger or resentful we are never truly free to be who we are.
My advice is to do some personal work for yourself.
1. Grieve. Go through the grief process that your mom is not the person you want her to be or the mom you needed. Let yourself mourn.
2. Forgive her. We try to control others when we are unhappy or scared. Everything she is doing she is doing because is not connected to her true, loving self. Can you even imagine what she might be like if we were fearless and loved herself and wasn't afraid to live who she is? So everything she does to you comes from her own pain. (And no, you can't get her to admit it.)
3. Assume she loves you and she really wants the best for you. If you can grieve and forgive her then you may be able to listen to her and no matter what she says at the end tell her genuinely "I love you. Thank you for your advice and for trying to help me. I appreciate that you care about my well being and I will do my best to make the most of my life."
Just like you say you are an adult now and can make your own decisions that also means you able to be the one who creates change in your life - including how you feel about your mother regardless of how she is. That is were the power for adult children is - in being able to say "OK, my turn, and since i want you to be compassionate and caring adult, I am going to start with me since I am an adult now, too."
Once that happens you'll find your life is really beginning and it will be as wonderful - more wonderful - than you have ever imagined.
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